Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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