sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
