I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
