clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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