While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
