hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
