my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish my penis had an off switch
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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