dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
