theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
