sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
OPIZZABONMYDICK
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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