Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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