She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
