did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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