WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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