My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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