i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
