Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
