Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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