if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
