We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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