if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
