none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
