I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
