Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
