"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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