we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The Olympian is in my bed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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