I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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