Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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