If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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