if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
