The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
