I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
