Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
