Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
