I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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