our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
