Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
