i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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