so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
