I think my fart just growled at me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
