i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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