he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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