just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
