hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
