He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
