So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
