i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
