Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
