it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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