between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The Olympian is in my bed
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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