I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
